Everyone has those days when they feel like they are screwing things up between themselves and others. I have been there and done that, today became one of those days. Another day that I feel like I say something dumb and push people farther away when I have wanted them closer. Sometimes it feels like the only two people that really know me are God and myself. I know its not true, but it does enter my thoughts. My old self comes back to haunt me. Is this justice for my past I keep wondering? If it is will there be an end?
We started talking about fear a little in my foundations class and it has just rung a bell in my head. My fear is not death, I know where I am headed. My fear is that the things that I desire for are slipping through my fingers. Its not just God either. I want to say that I don't care what people think, but why then does part of me still feel like I have to. Why can't I just tell people how I feel? Everytime this happens, I keep my mouth shut when my very soul screams. I want to slow down but everything in my being tells me to stand and do something.
Does anyone else have this problem? I am sure you do. If this sounds like gibberish it probably is. Sometimes I just need to pour out my heart this way just to stop feeling so dang sorry for myself. Part of me wants to say this is pathetic and the other side wants to keep writing. So i'll leave you with this, my roomate has this refrigerator that carries the magnetic words on it. I mess around on it (write lyrics and stuff, its kind of relaxing) and maybe this will either give clarity or just mess you up even more.
if only time would
wait for a
dream to live
then I could
rest here...
happy
PS-I'll bring out my more theological and intelligent side on the next post, right now I don't feel like it.
